April 1st. I’m not sure how we got here so fast! Especially with all the complaints from everyone under the sun about how long January was & how insanely short February was. However long my own felt. I will use this post today as a Dear Diary, for the memory of myself.
Dear Dairy,
This is what you’ve been up to since the start of February & it’s a lot. January came in as slow & silent as most dead-center of winters do. Unapologetically quiet, slow, & unphased by the silliness humans create to pretend like something has come to an end & “because we said so”, it’s time to start a new.
However, February did not come to play games with me this year. Maybe it was feeling feisty because of the extra day it had committed to or maybe it was some type of life raft I have yet to know what it came to save me from, but February threw its gloves off & hit me from behind.
With endless unsolvable car issues at the beginning of the month, the month started on a heavier than normal note. Determined to get past the frustration with a positive attitude, I leaped back into morning pages with a vengeance. I met my annoyance with morning gratitude & blessed my inability to work with thankfulness for rest in its place.
So the universe came for me harder.
The morning after getting my car back for the 3rd time in 2 months with the same “we aren’t sure what’s going on but it’s running fine now” news, I woke up at 6 am to notifications that my cards & notary bag had been stolen. Not only did the thief take off with my business in his hands but he ripped my starter & steering wheel out with it. In a lousy attempt to steal my car, he failed & decided to stab me where it really hurt… my income.
Cake topper… It's my son’s birthday month & Boston hockey tournament in a couple of weeks.
I can not explain to you the amount of times tears rushed down my face. The amount of times I surrendered to anyone & everyone that could hold me up. The number of times I found myself begging for help was shameful. (not something us independent girlies take lightly) I was terrified, upset, defeated, burnt out, & hopeless.
There haven’t been too many times in my life that I didn’t know how to make it work. And technically, I made this one work too, but here I am on April 1st (feeling like a fool of all fools) still trying to recover & still taking hits.
I’m sharing this to share some hope for you if you’ve read this far. There were so many bright & shining moments during the last two months. Nothing is ever all bad. I think that also means, nothing is ever all good but that seems to feel more right within me lately. Maybe right is the wrong word. It’s something more like par for the course. The obstructions that lie across any path you journey down.
After the car stuff happened & I was put on the bench for the business, I felt was given an opportunity. One to slow down & see things as they could be with the freedom that I always desperately searched for. I was able to cook Instagram reel recipes as I used up the food in my freezer & pantry. I looked at minimizing my consumption of *shit* the world is constantly pushing (and winning) at me to buy. I had time to journal again. A whole day spent in Joshua Tree in the open trunk of my car, with the desert wind on my skin, & my journal. I was gifted the opportunity to swallow my pride & watch how beautifully my friends & family showed up to take care of me while I was down. I had more time to spend with Boo, without having to rush out for a signing. I read extra. I listened to podcasts. I signed up for a course that I absolutely could not afford & trusted that the universe would provide. I surrendered to whatever may come & whatever might be
.
And here is the news, good or bad, you decide… everything kinda worked out.
Was it exactly as I hoped, nope, but let’s be realistic for one moment… does life ever work out how we think it should?
So I got my car back & it’s still causing issues, big ones. But it’s drivable, for now. I got my notary stamp back finally & I’m back on the road, for now. I started my new course & it’s got me curious. What exactly was all this trying to teach me? What is the lesson in all of the pain, loss, & surrender? I haven’t quite put it all back together. It feels a little like a puzzle right now, with very tiny, similar looking pieces. But there is something that is telling me, I’m getting close to the next chapter. The next beautiful blooming.
Just in time for Spring. And I wonder, are you too?
Are you ready for this next chapter in your life? Have you gotten curious about the path you’ve been walking down lately? Are you finding gratitude in the lessons but finding hope in the future?
I hope so.
If you haven’t written down any of the questions from above as your journal prompts for the next week, why not scroll back up a bit, grab that journal that you have had empty on the bookshelf for months now waiting for “the right time” & write each question on one page. Then make some time… even if it’s while you sit on the toilet today or while the coffee brews tomorrow, or while you scarf your lunch on break. Just write to yourself & see what comes up. Everything inside of you has been hoping you’d take a moment to come inside & chat.
